God's goodness is not determined by whether or not He grants us what we desire.
By: Lauren Bowerman
“Just wait,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. “Once you’re content in your singleness God will bring you the man of your dreams!”
I blinked, my mouth gaping as I struggled for a response.
Is that why I was still single? Because I wasn’t content enough?
As a young college student, my still-developing theology wasn’t yet strong enough to notice the red flags that should have been going off at her words. But something still felt unsettled in my gut at her comment—said with a smile and a loving, yet condescending, pat on my arm.
Contentment
“Is contentment the answer?” I wondered.
I’d already read the blogs on being content in my singleness. I’d already searched the Word for encouragement in this area. I knew that Paul modeled contentment in all circumstances, boasting in Christ’s strength to endure any situation (Phil. 4:11-13). I knew that he told young Timothy that godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Tim. 6:6).
I knew that my state of contentment (in any season) was a reflection of my confidence and trust that God’s power and grace were sufficient for me no matter what my circumstances. I knew the importance of growing in satisfaction in Christ and intimacy with him. But was “finding a husband” to be the impetus for my contentment? Was I to pursue this kind of contentment in the Lord so that God would bring me a man?
If you too have searched the Word and the internet for encouragement for the single woman, you’ve likely already read all of these verses on contentment too. While Paul’s words can be deeply encouraging to the single adult, I don’t think you need more words on contentment. That is why this is not going to be another blog on contentment in your singleness…
Prosperity Gospel
I was only in my mid-twenties, but living in the Bible Belt, I was all too familiar with words like the ones from this woman. If you’ve been single for any length of time, perhaps you too have heard statements like hers. Or perhaps other wounding words have been thrown at you in your season of singleness?
“Once you fully surrender your desire for a husband to God, then he’ll bring you a man.”
“Have you prayed enough about it?”
“As soon as you’re fully satisfied in him, God will give you a husband.”
“Just wait, marriage is soooo sanctifying.” (as if singleness isn’t?)
“Don’t worry, I know God will bring you someone.” (as if that is promised?)
“Enjoy having your own time while you can. Once you have kids that’s out the window.” (as if the single person has not longed for a family, even with the sacrifices it brings?)
These statements, among so many others, are pelted at single women under the guise of encouragement, but they carry with them a world of hurt. What’s more, many of them represent some of the most insidious forms of the prosperity gospel.
I absolutely do not hold the mindset that if you only pray hard enough, believe strongly enough, or hope fully enough that God will grant you what you ask. While yes, it is a very good and sanctifying thing to surrender your desires to the Lord, God is not waiting to grant you an answer to your prayer until you’ve finally and fully surrendered your desire to him. God is not waiting for you to be “good enough” to bless you.
Oh friend, this is not the heart of God!
God’s goodness is not determined by whether or not he grants us what we desire. He is not waiting for us to believe more to show more grace. He is not withholding blessing from you because of your (good or bad) behavior.
Grief
I don’t want to assume that because you are in a season of singleness you are grieving your state of relationship. But for many women, an unwanted and prolonged season of singleness can bring with it a host of hurt.
Maybe you are grieving an unmet longing for a husband. Maybe you are mourning the shifting of relationships as your friends have entered into marriages and your closeness with them has faded. Maybe your singleness brings with it hurts from broken relationships where your heart was not cared for as it should have been.
If this is you, I have several things to say to you.
There is a particular grief that comes with lamenting a continually unmet desire or expectation. It is acutely painful, and though with these types of longing, there is sometimes not a tangible “loss” that you are mourning, this kind of grief is deeply valid. Rather than dull the pain, the passing years can seem to exacerbate the wound that your longing leaves. As you cry out to God again and again for an answer, it can feel like he has turned his face from you or neglected to hear your cries.
But it is precisely in this place of hurt that I hope you can come to know the Father’s heart toward you. Because it just so happens that it is here—in the places of longing, loss, and lack—that he is especially near. It is here, in your grief, that you can come to know Jesus even more as the man of sorrows (Isa. 53:3) and understand what he meant when he said blessed are the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the desolate, and the rejected (Matt. 5:3-10).
What is God’s Heart Towards the Single Woman?
So, to you as a woman in the season of singleness—whether you desire to be in this season or are begrudging toward it—what is God’s heart for you?
Oh sister, let me tell you…
God’s heart toward you is deeply kind (in fact, Ephesians 2:6-7 says he has shown us “the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” and Psalm 145:17 says he is “kind in all his works,” ESV).
God’s heart is to be gracious to you (Num. 6:25-26, Psalm 86:15, Psalm 116:5, Psalm 145:8), and he is steadfast and unfailing in his love (1 Chronicles 16:34 says his steadfast love “endures forever”).
God—at his very core—is good. Scripture says of him, “you are good and you do good” (Psalm 119:68). Every one of his acts toward you comes from his heart of goodness.
If you have been cast off, if you feel unchosen, or if you have been left, know that God’s heart is to draw near to you, and he promises, “I have chosen you and not cast you off” (Isa. 41:9).
If you find yourself hurt or brokenhearted, left wounded and empty from one who promised to care for your heart, know that God himself promises that “he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). See what a picture of his tender care this is.
Sister, if you have been forsaken, God promises in his Word that he will take you in (Psalm 27:10) and that he will deal gently with you.
If you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with someone in a relationship, only to be used, hurt, or rejected, know that God knows your frame intimately (Psalm 103:14), that he shows compassion to you as his child (Psalm 103:13), and that he rejoices over you with gladness and delights over you with singing (Zeph. 3:17).
If you feel unloved, you can know this about the love of God: he has “loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3), he has loved you enough to give you himself (John 3:16), and there is truly nothing in this world that can separate you from his love (Rom. 8:38-39).
Sister, this is the heart of God to you. May your understanding of who he is bring you deep comfort in your current season, and may your knowledge of him only serve to increase your love for him.
Lauren is a wife to Matthew and a mama to Charlotte. Lauren has called many cities, states, and countries home, a lifestyle which cultivated in her a love for cultures, people, and missions and led her to receive a Masters in Christian and Intercultural Studies from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She is a writer and an editor, and she is particularly passionate about writing on the intersection between suffering and faith, specifically in her experiences with depression, doubt, and infertility. You can find more from Lauren at lauren-bowerman.com.